Wednesday, April 30, 2008
i'm thinking of writing that many thoughts going through my mind and the many analysis i've came up with, but i'm too damned tired to do so. therefore, here's just how life is/has been/was/will be:1. exams have started. and it's not been going very well. just had my second paper -- js this afternoon, which honest to death sucked like mad. i'm definitely gonn' fail this paper. SHIT.
2. jacob, continue missing me then. hahahs. throughout the 3 months. loll. i'll see you before i leave if fate allows. hahhahas. if not, i'll see you when i get back on friday nights in church again!!
3. the weather in sg is damn bad. it's super hot and damn humid. i've not felt the weather this humid before. esp since the past month was spent raining nonstop. luckily i'm getting out of town soon!4. me, jiaying, toh, andrea, andrea's friend are going mambo next wed. so the rest of you ppl, lemme know if you're going. and do try to go so i can take pictures with many of you before i leave! which is SOOOOOON.
5. and as i am leaving SOOOOOOOON, pls book me if you wanna go out after exams before me flying off. as of such, i'm like booked. but i'll make time for the FREAKS. GUAN CHENG!!! (: CHERYL!!! (: 6. steph megan is staying over on monday 12th may! yes! can't wait! sister i miss you tons of tomyum soup!
7. rese concert is this sat night in ucc. and i have 2 close book essay papers one in the morn, one in the afternoon in sch too. shits.8. cousins ktv next sat! hopefully. and next sat night fam dinner for me going away & for mothers day (sayang villa onlys) ((: 9. alan says he will paint my room for me while i'm away !! ((((: aaahhahs.melissa is going to bathe now. i really think js sucks to the core. ps. i hate my cousin's superior. like fuck off bitch!
- everything's just temporary;
9:08 PM
Saturday, April 26, 2008
i just have to reply to this post that someone had made in his blog. the art of being happy, lies in the power of extracting happiness from common things. if anyone is keeping up with the 7pm chinese show on channel 8 -- life made simple. i think that ah wang guy is really, truly happy. i'm not super big on hongkong shows, but this character that he was playing really touched me. and i just continued watching it. it really shows and emphasises on how the simplest things in life that ppl don't appreciate can really, in itself make one happy. on him being mentally retarded, but he manages to understand and display so much more maturity than anyone else in the show. the countless positive traits he shows in his personality in the series is more than i can even think of myself. and the life he lives is so simple, yet so fulfilling, most importantly though, so happy.
i talk now about falling in love. yes, i agree. falling in love is a risk itself. and when you're happily in love, you think that you're the luckiest person in the world to have such a rare partner to love and be loved. but when you fall out of love, do you think that you should have never taken such a risk? that you're the world's most unluckiest person? that your partner is not rare but just like every other girl or guy that you fell out of love with too because they never cherished you when they had the chance to? it's funny, the latter was what i used to think and feel. and that so much angst and hurt and pain i had inside of me could almost never be replaced at all by any amount of efforts made by the person. but i suppose as time passes, the hurt and pain and angst dies down. you no longer have so bitter feelings; rather you have nostalgic memories of the past and things were all over again. times when somethings happens to you and though you've moved on, the only person you feel like telling that something to is the person who caused all that hurt and pain and angst. you don't know why, but you just feel like it. somehow you just know that the person knows exactly the right words to say to make it all better. and they are those random and sudden msgs you send out to a person or you receive from a person.
after writing it all, i want to ask this person with this blog post of which im replying to:how about yurself? are yu willing to take another risk again? or have yu shut all yur doors already? and most importantly, are yu happy?
- everything's just temporary;
2:58 PM
Friday, April 25, 2008
i'm just not cut out for it. i mean it's stupid to have gone through all that trouble for nothing. yea, perhaps they were all right from the start. just totally got reinforced by all the returned assignments and projects. now it's really demoralising and hoho. the exams are next week. i'm burnt and tired. fucking results. shouldn't even have let me gone to the uni in the first place. reminds me of the days i had in dhs. fucked up days. like what i'm having now. should have just sent me overseas. fuck all that money spent on the stupid damned fucked up houses. no point in staying in uni and getting all that fucked up grades. what difference does it make when you have a lousy degree anwys. such a mindfuck to find a job here. feel so constrained like you can't move and you got no other options if u want a chance in earning those big bucks and living up to what everyone deems is the family status. yea and so i'm not doing well. and im sick & tired of being outbeaten by all those smart students. it just eats me when they re not even trying to study and here i am trying my best. all so that i can still be lousier than them. oh fuck it.
ben hurry up come back. you owe me those 10 sticks. and many drinks.
- everything's just temporary;
1:35 PM
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
i just got reminded yet again why i hate ppl from super good schools. cause they do well even without studying. and better yet. when they have damned good results already, they think their results suck. and better yet, they even look down on other ppl. i don't know. is this not fake?
like your results are fine, they don't suck, and they aren't supremely good either. but can you not go around telling other ppl whose results sucked that your results are damn bad. if you say your results suck, then what exaclty are you trying to tell ppl who did worse than you? that they are so damned stupid and they will definitely not make it? and after complaining about how 'bad' your results acty are, you say that they were supposed to be worse, but luckily there are stupider ppl who make your results better.
OH COME ON. WHAT THE FUCK.
fuck them all fake superficial asses.
- everything's just temporary;
6:44 PM
Monday, April 21, 2008
and i'm going to say it one more time
everything is mtyweb. esp when i'm still around. so i'm going to close my eyes.and the it will be the first person i see in my dreams.
- everything's just temporary;
8:51 PM
as the date draws closer, my heart grows sorer. the many things that were left unsaid will never be said. what really is the truth? i think i will never know. this time many things will be lost and many things will be forgotten. it's like selling yourself. yes, i'm in the midst of selling myself to the future. and all that hope of any tiniest bit will be lost in the memories that will be lost in the past. of which will hardly ever be revisted, will be kept enclosed in the forgotten. this time, its like taking a trip to erase all memory. a trip. and maybe thats why everything from the past is filling me up now. you know the way people before they die actually have an overview of their life flashing across them? maybe this is something like what will happen eventually, inevitably. maybe. and like the song goes:i'm all out of love
what am i without yu
i know yu were right believing for so long
i'm all out of love
what am i without yu
i can't be too late thinking i was so wrong
oh, what are yu thinking of
- everything's just temporary;
10:37 AM
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Those days of love are gone
Our time is through
Still I burn on and on
All of my life
Only for you
From now
Until forever
And ever, my darling
Forever
You will always be the only one
You will always be the only one
As long as I shall live
I'll hold you dear ..yeah
And I will reminisce
Of our love all through the years
From now
Until forever.....
And ever, my darling
Forever......
You will always be the only one.....
You will always be the only one
If you should ever need me
Unfailingly, I will return to your arms
And unburden your heart
And if you should remember
That "we belong together"
Never be ashamed
Call my name
Tell me I'm the one you treasure
Forever.......
And ever, my darling
Forever
You will always be the only one
You will always be the only one
You will always be the only one..........
nothing; just hooked onto this song.
- everything's just temporary;
7:22 PM
Thursday, April 17, 2008
I FUCKING DO NOT THINK THAT I DID ANYTHING AT ALL TO DESERVE THIS. TO DESERVE BEING SHOUTED AT OR PUSHED AROUND. AND MOST OF ALL TO DESERVE BEING REPLACED BY OTHER PEOPLE'S 'COMMITMENTS'.I HATE BEING IN SECOND PLACE. I HATE BEING A REPLACEMENT. MOST OF ALL. I HATE BEING, I REALLY TRULY DEEPLY FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART HATE BEING SO DAMNED FORGIVING. FOR WHAT? NO GOOD COMES OUT AT THE END OF IT. IS MY GOODNESS RECIPROCATED? NO. THEN WHAT, TELL ME, FOR THE LOVE OF CRIKES, WHAT IS THE DAMNED FUCKING POINT.
- everything's just temporary;
11:45 PM
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
The girl in the other roomShe knows by nowThere's something in all of her fearsNow she wears this thread bareShe sits on the floorThe glass pressed tight to the wallShe hears murmurs lowThe paper is peelingHer eyes staring straight at the ceilingMaybe they're thereOr maybe it's nothing at allAs she draws lipstick smears on the wallThe girl in the other roomShe powders her faceAnd stares hard into her reflection...The girl in the other roomShe stifles a yawnAdjusting the strap of her gownShe tosses her tressesHer lover undressesTurning the last lamp light downWhat's that voice we're hearingWe should be sleepingCould that be someone who's weepingMaybe she's thereMaybe there's nothing to seeJust a trace of what used to beThe girl in the other roomShe darkens her lash and blushesShe seems to look familiarps. what are you thinking of when he sprawls kisses down your neck?
- everything's just temporary;
2:12 PM
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
you are my babymy only babyyou make me happywhen skies are greyyou never know dearhow much i love youso please don take my baby away
- everything's just temporary;
12:22 PM
Monday, April 14, 2008
why is it that when people you love hurt you either physically, mentally or emotionally, you cannot find the space inside you to hate them? why is it that when they do that repeatedly over and over again, you still stay by their side? why is it that people can't seem to find the energy to fight it off against those they love? is that why abused husbands or wives still stay with their partners, willing to bear it all in silence? what would i do if i were one of them? love means going through thick and thin together. it means going through the ups and downs of life holding each others hands. having been always hit by belts, hangers and even caned when i was a kid, i never believed in using violence. to me, in order for anyone to call themselves a successful parent, it was when they never had to resort to violence to make a child learn. spare the rod, spoil the child. that's bullshit. relying on this phrase to substantiate one's right to hit a child doesn't make the parent successful at all. i believe that being a successful parent is when one is able to use reason and love to make a child comply to the rights and wrongs, as well as understand the reasons for the rights and wrongs. without the use of any physical, emotional or mental violence. the use of those violence doesn't help in any way; instead it just makes the parenting job easier. just from my own perspective.but when it comes to relationships in terms of romance, everything changes. no matter what or when or where or how, you got to be in control of yourself. once you lose the control, you lose yourself. you lose your reputation, your pride, your dignity, your respect. you lose everything. yea, i was a bruised kid, and no i did not get any lenient let offs thou i'm the eldest and thou i'm a girl. so i had in bad. and i'm not afraid, no where near afraid, of being hit. i've learnt how things can be once one loses control of oneself. doesn't have to be in the aspect of violence. but i've learnt. it has to be one of the scariest things that can happen to a person. i know i was never so frightened of myself before. i was thinking how could i have indulged so much emotions, negative emotions in myself and to the extent that i bring it over and cause harm to others, but mostly and mainly to myself? that's when you learn from mistakes. in life there aren't many second chances, so when you're given it, you better treasure and cherish it your entire fucking pathetic life. because thats the way it is. it's not easy learning from mistakes, but if it's important, i know i'll put in my utmost effort to make things right. because by doing so, you're repenting. if not, well then, too bad. it's your own loss right, if you don't learn from mistakes. if you don't learn to control yourself. if you don't learn to love yourself more. it's a pretty darned selfish world we're living in, every man for himself. there's no space for too much generosity or goodwill. if you really love someone, love will conquer all other emotions. love will conquer hate, anger, hurt, pain and everything else. yes, that is true. but that is only if you still love that someone even after that someone has made you hate, angry, hurt, pain and everything else. and that's when you realise, no one in the world's going to complete your world. your world is out there, cold, cruel, heartless. no one is going to offer empathy. so before anyone ever steps into a relationship? piece of advice, make sure your world's complete first before you step into one. this ensures that your life isn't over without the person. that person that is introduced into your life is someone you can live without, just that you will find that you want to live with. ps. if love can't stop the anger, it isn't love at all.pps. your heart went missing when she went away. and till today it never came back. go find her again. it's where your heart belongs.my heart got broken today into a gazillion number of pieces. but life goes on. and so will i. like i said. its a cold cruel heartless world out there. and no one's going to offer any empathy.
- everything's just temporary;
11:43 PM
Friday, April 11, 2008
i got the link. i pushed my pile of work aside. and started reading. entry after entry after entry. and i did so till i finished everything there was to read. only to find a need in reading them all over again. as i read, i cried. and cried uncontrollably as every word hit me, pushing me back in time, bringing the fading memories closer to my mind, to my heart. yet surprisingly, these tears that i cried were not those of heartbreak, instead, they were tears of missing someone. it's when you miss someone terribly and refuse to commit and submit yourself to those feelings, only to have it knock you hard and when it happens, you just lose all control. what i thought could be left to be dealt in a rational manner turned out to be more than i could handle. i never really ever cried over that person before. but those few times which i did, i found the tears dropping in surprise. when you are so used to having someone around for you all the time, and you have to force yourself to make that someone disappear. it's probably the hardest thing in the world to do. and it is probably the most hurting thing in the world to do. but it has to be done, nonetheless. espeacially when you know or feel that there is even the smallest possibility that you may be using that person as a substitute or someone to share your sadness and anger but not your happiness. i used to share everything with this person. till i began realising i only began calling when i was angry and sad. then i knew i had to stop. taking a person for granted is the worst thing to do to someone. when i had those memories being refreshed in writing, writing so clear and closely depicted for me, at least, it felt as if nothing ever changed. for those few minutes, i just stayed and immersed myself into the past. for those few minutes, my heart, mind, energy went back to when we were a few years back. when we were happy. when we had our calamari rings and chicken rice. when we loved tanning and sakae sushi. when we had sunflowers and crazy morning bus rides...but then after everything that we have been through, i'm looking at what's in front. from the bottom of my heart, all i want is to know that happiness is found again. true happiness. i believe it can be found. i'd capture that heartfelt smile anytime, anywhere, if just for one more time. just to know it's still there. and this time, i'll keep it for life; so anytime i know it is needed, i can retrieve it back. this is all about someone i know so well, inside out, outside in, upside down, downside up. someone i thought i knew. someone i keep telling myself i know but maybe, i don't really know. someone i've always wanted to know. someone i never want to stop knowing. someone who i know deep down may feel exactly what i'm feeling.ps. everything's changed yet everything's still the same. just like that night at gelare. exactly like that night.
- everything's just temporary;
12:07 AM
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
kiss me, beneath the milky twilight; leave me, out on a moonlit floor.
- everything's just temporary;
11:11 PM
Sunday, April 06, 2008
what does one do when one cannot concentrate? run? . maybe. okay. bye. i'm off to run.ps. recently i was put to the test by someone. at first i didn't think much of it. now i'm pretty irked by it. really disgusted by the entire idea. whatevers. cheryl, howan, guan -- thanks for the most wonderful night a girl cld have esp when she's supposed to be mugging. love. and don't forget our "educational" trip to the tanjong pagar clubs and those at bangkok! tsk.ahmad -- yes yes. seesha. see remembered. love. (: eejin -- really appreciate ur help that night man. owe u one. thanks a mil. (: why do you judge me when you don't know ANYTHING about me? it doesn't make you any cooler or more interesting you know? it just makes you look so wrong and stupid and narrow when you actually make so many errors in your judgement which you speak so confidently as truths.
- everything's just temporary;
4:57 PM
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
i miss rciy on fridays. ):happy ((: birthday tee!
- everything's just temporary;
9:20 PM
